750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG: (2024)

750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG:

Mr. Welch can no longer base characters off The Who's drummer Keith Moon.

A one-man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.

There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.

My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.

Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1-pt professional skills.

Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.

Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.

'How to Serve Dragons' is not a cookbook.

My monk's lips must be in sync.

Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.

Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.

Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.

Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliché they are.

Ogres are not kosher.

Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.

I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.

Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a superhero.

When surrendering, I am to hand the sword over HILT first.

Drow are not good eating.

Polka is not appropriate marching music.

No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.

There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.

Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.

Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.

The green elf does not need food badly.

Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.

I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.

The Goddess of Marriage's chosen weapon is not the whip.

I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.

I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.

The backup trap-handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.

I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.

There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'.

I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.

I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.

I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.

They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.

When investigating evil cultists, I'm not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.

Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'.

Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.

Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'.

Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.

No longer allowed to set Nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.

Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1-pt skills.

My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.

Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.

They do not make Nair in Wookiee sizes.

The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.

Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.

Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.

No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.

My bard does not know how to play In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida on maracas.

Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.

Cannot pimp out other party members.

Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.

No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.

In the middle of a black op, I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.

Expended ammunition is not a business expense.

Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.

Not allowed to short-sheet the bedroll of impotent deities.

Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.

I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.

No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.

My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God".

There is no Summon Bimbo spell.

Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.

There is no Kung Fu maneuver "McGuire Swings For The Bleachers".

Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.

There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.

Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.

There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser.

Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.

Not allowed to name my cudgel 'Ceremonial Whoopass Stick'.

My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live".

Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps".

I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.

I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.

Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.

I am not liquid metal.

When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.

A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.

Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.

My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.

Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220-lb pull crossbow.

Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.

Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.

There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.

My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.

The elf's name is not Legolam.

My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay.

A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.

The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond".

I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.

I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on either Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.

I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.

No making up polearms.

My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'.

There is no such thing as Speed Polka.

Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.

When told any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.

I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.

I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.

There is no such thing as a +3 Club of Cup Checks.

Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.

I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.

I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.

There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.

No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.

Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.

Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.

I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.

If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.

My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.

The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the Bag of Holding once.

My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.

Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final supervillain showdown.

I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.

I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.

My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.

Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.

I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services, Inc.

The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.

Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.

I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.

Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.

Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.

Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.

Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.

Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.

I am not authorized to form the head.

Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.

There is no such feat called "Death Blossom".

My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.

The King's Guards' official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt".

I cannot demand payment in electrum, back rubs or bubble wrap.

I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.

I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.

If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.

My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'.

The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.

My maid does not know kung fu.

Not allowed to give a 4-year-old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.

Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.

There is no such thing as pleather armor.

I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.

Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.

Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.

There is no Gnomish Death Grip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.

Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.

Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.

Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.

When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.

I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.

I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.

I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.

When one person forgets to buy rations, eating the half-elf is not our first option.

Any capital-scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.

I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.

Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.

I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.

I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.

Whatever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.

Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.

I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.

I am forbidden from replacing anything with Folger's crystals to see if they notice.

Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.

I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.

I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.

I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.

I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.

My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur".

At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.

I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.

There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.

I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.

I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Islet of Langerhans.

Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.

There are no profanities in Celestial.

Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.

I have neither the touch nor the power.

I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.

No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.

There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.

A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.

My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.

No cutting line to be a god.

I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.

I cannot play an elf with a Scottish accent, nor a Cajun dwarf.

Tourettes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.

Dual-wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.

My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.

If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.

Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.

When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.

I cannot use a silent feat enabled power word stun and blame it on the dog.

I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.

My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.

Not allowed to steal my own soul.

My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'.

I cannot name my character cliché canon characters from other systems.

My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.

Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tone-deaf, Karaoke, Musician.

My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.

I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.

My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.

I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.

The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.

I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.

My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.

My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.

If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.

If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.

I am not the patron saint of common sense.

There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.

They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.

There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagen.

If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.

No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.

In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".

I am not the master of the low blow or the gang-up.

If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna get some paradox.

Druids are not against my religion.

I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.

I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half-gnome, do you?

I am forbidden from monologuing.

Troll bubblegum... bad idea.

My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."

I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WWII.

Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.

There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.

I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.

It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.

If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.

My character does not get d34 HP a level.

My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate.

My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.

Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.

My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.

Ditto for the Rockerboy.

Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.

Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.

Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.

Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.

Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.

Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.

I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always-naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.

If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.

There is no Halfling god of groin shots.

If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.

Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.

I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.

I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.

If the other party members forget to take any food-prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.

I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line-up, the candy aisle of Kroger's, the Miss America Pageant.

I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.

The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers.

I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.

There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor +5.

My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer.

Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.

The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.

When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.

Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.

I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather-clad, oiled down with big bosoms.

It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his co*ckpit does.

At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone.

I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.

Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.

My character cannot hear the soundtrack.

I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.

Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.

No skill allows specialization in defenestrating.

No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.

I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.

I must remember at dinner time that Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.

I must remember at dinner time that Log is not an elven delicacy.

My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.

Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.

I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.

Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.

I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.

Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP.

I have been assured with total certainty that Ralph is not a Japanese name.

When the CO asks for volunteers, I can't help others make a decision.

I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn't excuse the Hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.

No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.

When asked for advice before a fight, "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.

I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.

My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.

I cannot figure that the dungeon we're in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.

I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.

I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.

Clown shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.

My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.

When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.

I cannot make called shots with a crew-served weapon.

I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Year's and tell them they are Roman candles.

Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.

I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.

I cannot give the rebel operatives the code names Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.

May not play a swarm of piranha in any genre.

Blind taste-testing is not an accepted method of shopping for weapons.

No longer allowed to take the new tank for a joyride through the minefield.

"Killing a man just to watch him die" is not acceptable behavior in Shangri-La.

Not allowed to tell the King to shake my hand after I spit on it to close a deal.

Noogies and royalty do not match.

Swinging from chandeliers into the bar brawl is perfectly fine for a swashbuckler, but not for my unarmored halfling accountant.

Especially when he's swinging the payroll sack as a weapon.

Gelatinous cubes do not make "Chef's Dessert Surprise".

I am not allowed to get into a human-eating contest with a Shoggoth and go though with it.

Not allowed to use tac nukes to clear rooms.

Definitely not allowed to taunt the Cybertank with the line "Big deal, you're only CR 2!"

Must not call Gandalf the White... Gandy, Gandork, or "that thief with use magic item skill".

Must not taunt Elrond with any "Mister Anderson" or "Mister Bilbo" jokes and impressions.

Must not use Palantirs and crystal balls as catapult ammo.

Paladins cannot using dead, plague ridden animals as a means of conversion.

Not allowed to call artillery fire on own grid square to test the trenches.

Nitroglycerine juggling is not a way to kill time on watch.

Ten overall levels in not kosher.

Neither is twenty.

Not allowed to wager using the souls of the PC's without their permission.

Kittens are not valid ammunition in any classic superhero campaign.

Cannot open airlocks in Jump space just to see the pretty colors.

Cannot use any Britney Spears soundtrack as jump coordinates anymore.

There are no D&D alignments called Progressive, Dish, Ding, Bob, Belgium, or Romulan.

Cannot use the Hand of Vecna for any gags. That goes double for the Eye.

When undercover, cannot hand toilet paper to Nazis when they ask for papers.

And add "wipe well."

Cannot reprogram any construction robots with the sexbot SnM OS.

The party have banned me from demanding to the group be paid in fish, or shrimp or any perishables.

Not allowed to tell the Elf "Live long and prosper."

Cannot use the tank to press grapes.

Not allowed to use Antimatter missiles on planets because someone "looked at me funny".

Cannot use poison gas to kill criminals who are holding hostages. Nor in cities. And definitely never a tanker full anywhere.

Not allowed to make any character listed in the League of Rejected or Embarrassing Superheroes in a serious campaign.

Cannot use a corpse and ventriloquism in a CoC game.

The one thousand rubber chicken trap is funny only once.

Cannot do any jokes that lower San of fellow PC's.

Cannot summon a Deep One to go to the store and pick us up a six-pack. Anymore that is.

Cannot shoot the party's negotiator because she forgot to add the inflatable troll love doll in the payment.

Saying "Can you hear me now?" during the radio check is a shooting offence.

Asprin cannot cure mummy rot.

Kender. Blam. Next character.

Sailor Vinnie is banned.

Must never drop skyscrapers to kill a small normal roach.

I cannot buy two million tons of Via gra.

I cannot buy two million gallons of Crazy Glue.

Must not teach Ballet to space aliens anymore.

I must not keep the petrified gnome on my front lawn. Nor can I turn a real gnome to stone and place them in the front yard.

Cannot tell Leia that Alderaan looks better as an asteroid field, that it had it coming to them, or cheer up real estate prices are down.

Cannot tell Vader to "Get a life" or give him an inhaler until we get to the elite status.

When cooking for the group, I'm not allowed to garnish the stew with magic mushrooms just before serving.

Nor can I yell "Fight!" after they start feeling the effects.

Cannot install screensavers on the HUD.

Cannot install any games on the Battle Computer. Cannot delete any programs on the Battle Computer.

I cannot use RPV's to locate the highest concentration of easy women.

Cannot call mercenary unit Team Via gra.

Must not hire Vargr for sensitive positions. Um. Anymore.

Strategic nuclear weapons cannot be used for slapstick. Oh wait. Cannot use any unauthorized nukes as well.

Group money cannot be used to start fires.

Cannot hardwire any tri-vid games into any computer.

Cannot paint "Ronson" or "Tiger Fodder" on any Sherman tank, even though it is true.

Cannot paint "Large Slow Target" on any Landing Ship Tank (LST).

Cannot make NPC's wear red shirts with concentric circles except in IOU.

Or any PC.

Cannot combine the T-rex genes with anything except in IOU.

Emperor Stephen's Grand Spring Ball and Hanse Davion's Founder's Day Ball, are not clothing optional.

Meesa Gungan! Blam! Next character.

Cannot steal Imperial Marine grav-tanks for joyrides.

Cannot call in Arclight strikes without a map and blind drunk.

Cannot call in Arclight strikes to frag the REMFs.

Anti-tank weapons cannot be used in melee without the meleeist's permission.

Cannot use dead facehuggers for pranks.

That goes double for live facehuggers.

Absolutely cannot take the cybertank out for paintball. That goes double for telling it that it gets extra points for each opponent squashed.

Cannot cross marijuana genes with kudzu or any weed.

Must never attempt to give any Mnoren a noogie.

Yoda is not to be addressed as a "decrepit Muppet".

Must wait until 17th level before picking fights with epic CR monsters or NPCs.

Don't feed the Chtorr... willingly. Cannot keep a Chtorr as a pet as well.

Must not use vampire blood in any experiments when the Slayer is around.

Must not call in fake deaths to the Gold Cross.

Cannot give Leia slave girl costumes for her birthday.

Meesa just talk like Gungan! Blam! Next character.

Cannot conveniently forget the blast radius of a fireball.

Cannot make a Squonk.

I cannot play mind games on unbeatable dragons.

Wants TPK cannot be taken as a disadvantage.

Must not leave cowbells in the temple dedicated to minotaurs.

Must remember not to taunt the evil god before we burn his temple.

Never ask clarification from the general, "bring him back... how much alive?" and definitely don't go into detail.

After outlining his plan, when the Supreme Allied Commander asks any questions, "Boxers or briefs" is not an appropriate question, nor is "what the hell were you thinking?" or "Man, did a moron think of this plan?" and saying "That's the stupidest plan I have ever heard!" is right out.

Antimatter weapons should not be used when you need a light for reading.

Cannot hook up the unlimited power sourced to the unlimited weapon without reading the manual.

When wiring bombs, I cannot use only wires of one color. Nukes comes under this rule as well.

Cannot use Shoggoth goo in any experiments. Really. Or market it as a lubrication for love.

Cannot make deals with Shoggoths for goo. Dunno why.

When a CoC spell calls for human sacrifice, I cannot cast it.

Cannot challenge other PCs by saying "Whoever gets to San 0 first wins!"

Cannot use barding as a weapon, sex aid, or as armor worn by a human.

My D&D sorcerer is not allowed to use the Change Self and Mirror Image spells and the Perform (Ventriloquism) skill to impersonate other party members during a dungeon crawl.

Nor is he allowed to use the Change Self and Mirror Image spells and the Perform (Dance) skill to impersonate other party members and make them appear to Riverdance.

I cannot use the Alchemy skill to create Unguent of Stinking Cloud and sell it to the cleric of Kord for use as underarm deodorant.

No longer allowed to make a Physical Adept that specializes in wielding dual Monofilament Whips.

Not allowed to make my own vehicles when the GM doesn't know the VCS.

Not allowed to artificially inflate vehicle design costs and claim the extra money as character income when the GM asks me to make vehicles for him.

The Jedi Guardian must not ask "Do you want to surrender or a third nostril?"

Not allowed to give any Droid a split personality.

And those personalities must never be Gir/HK-47.

Before adding the honorific "[Insert monster here] slayer" to any characters name character MUST ACTUALLY HAVE KILLED at least one [insert monster here].

Ranger cannot have a giant space hamster for a mount or animal companion.

If any other character has a giant space hamster animal companion and it wanders into the local magic shop, the rest of the party has never seen said character before in their lives.

Even if the party consists exclusively of Kender, and Kender are the only intelligent life on the world where the campaign takes place, I am STILL not allowed to play a Kender.

No convincing ANYONE that the Oil of Burning is actually topical ointment for that unfortunate rash.

No pranks involving amputated troll parts, locked chests and the local treasury.

No pranks involving potions of dragon's breath.

Firing a grenade launcher into melee combat is B A D.

So is asking "Ooooo, what does THIS button do?" in the local magic shop.

Ditto the TL10 armory.

And the missile silo.

No creating superheroes based off characters created by Garth Ennis E V A R.

No offering the NPC monks a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax and a case of shamis in exchange for their help.

Any prank which results in the National Guard getting called in to restore order is right out.

If FEMA fast-responders are involved in the aftermath it is not a prank, it is a felony. Probably several.

Requesting "Bad Moon Rising" at the local vampire nightclub when you are playing a werewolf is funny only once.

Ditto for "Werewolves of London".

Replacing the lightbulbs in the restrooms of the local vampire nightclub with sun lamps is always funny but in extremely poor taste.

When you are playing a vampire yourself it's just sick.

No creating any character who requires a trip to the local slave market to purchase field rations.

Football/Soccer Hooligan is not an appropriate choice of cover occupation for a spy.

I am not to introduce the wizard and his familiar as "Brainiac and the hor d'œuvre".

No matter how much better it tastes, I will not dump out the contents of my canteen and replace it with the cleric's stash of Holy Water.

Ditto for actually replacing the Holy Water with said contents of my canteen.

Sword-swinging, loincloth-clad barbarians are not an appropriate character type in a Cyberpunk game.

Although they are technically legal according to the rules, they are not really appropriate in Traveller either.

I am not to refer to the Monster Summoning spell as "Conjure Lunch".

Fire is not the answer to everything.

Just because it's flammable doesn't mean it should be set on fire.

Not allowed to use Defenstration as a legal defense against annoying PCs.

Not allowed to torment the local Animal Control officer by shapeshifting into a cat.

Not allowed to play Frisbee with manhole covers.

Not allowed to play American football. At all.

Epcot's Figment did not "Sell out his fellow dragons".

Not allowed to change any re-enactment of "St. George & the Dragon".

Not allowed to call Mr. Fisk "That pudgy lumptard" at parties anymore.

Do not taunt the T-1000 to a drinking contest.

Not allowed to curl up on Baba Yaga's lap as a cat and demand scritchies.

Not allowed to get drunk and have philosophical debates with a fern.

Not allowed to get the fern drunk either.

If your fellow PC is on fire, do not "stomp out the fire" with a washing machine or similar sized object.

Not allowed to send hate email to any address ending in "dot gov."

Not allowed to pretend I'm "Rambo" with a GAU-8/A Avenger, even if I have the strength to wield it as a personal weapon.

S.H.I.E.L.D. does not stand for "Stupid Humans In Expensive-Looking Duds".

Nick Fury is not to be referred to as "Captain Nicky".

I am not now nor ever will be "The Greatest American Hero".

The saying "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day / Teach a man to fish and he will eat for life" is not an Ancient Wisdom on my home planet of Arrakis/Tatooine/Athas.

Nor is "Fish are friends, not food".

Not allowed to play "Chicken" on the OIA tarmac in an H2.

Not allowed to let the telekinetic ST-45 mouse drive the H2.

Not allowed to use the Stargate to dial for pizza.

Nor is the Stargate to be used to "Crank call" the Asgard.

Pouring Kool-Aid mix on the water weird is only funny once.

Not allowed to steal the Secret Master's credit card.

And then purchase 6 pizzas, 2 dozen donuts, and a Yoo-hoo with it.

Not allowed to use the Illuminati bathroom in Warehouse 23 to make LSD brownies.

Also don't dump the brownies in the kompasaur cage. Sugar induced mini-dinosaurs? Bad idea.

Not allowed to tell people that there is a (FNORD) around the (CENSORED) behind the (YOU'RE NOT CLEARED FOR THAT), even if it does have blinking neon lights.

No longer allowed to play with high explosives.

My gadgeteer may no longer hollow out small animals to act as camouflage for his spybots.

I cannot solve the mystery of where the portal goes by throwing it into the Gulf of Mexico and go watch CNN for unexplained flooding.

I will no longer blow up key NPCs unless I’m reasonably sure that they're not the only people on the planet with the skills to save said planet.

I will use rope during space walks.

The person left behind on the ship should, at the very least, have a default to pilot the ship.

I’m not allowed to establish telepathic links with unfriendly aliens that have vastly superior intellects in order to see what happens.

Just because my character has an IQ of 20, doesn’t mean I do.

I will not spend all my points in IQ and then proceed to attempt every possible mental skill the genre allows at default.

I will not keep rolling dice for no reason to the point that at the end of the session my character sheet looks like Braille.

Not everything can be powered by a mini nuclear reactor.

I will not stall the game by trying to figure out the area of affect for a mini nuclear meltdown.

Making a Sex Appeal check every time the GM gives me a new challenge is only funny for one session, if that.

When I know the GM won’t kill characters, it’s not nice to call his bluff by charging the gunman unarmed and unarmored.

When playing with an old-school D&D DM I shouldn’t argue that that goblins aren’t evil, just the result of a bad upbringing.

No matter how good the background story, the DM is well within his rights to make my Lawful-Good Necromancer lose his sanity less than one hour into game play.

When dealing with any new alien species for the first time I WILL WEAR GLOVES!

When another player is the center of attention, it’s rude to start fires in the ashtray while the GM is talking to them.

When my character is the center of attention, it’s rude to start fires in the ashtray while the GM is talking to me.

Any plan involving bulk orders of Undead is right out, no matter how many cannon-fodder bodies we have on hand.

The snatcher is not allowed to retrieve the book 'what we do next' or 'full detailed map of this maze' from a parallel dimension, even if he did roll a crit-success.

Not allowed to cast History, Images of the Past or Echoes of the Past in a mystery game.

The shop keeper is not cannon fodder, even though he is loaded with loot and treasure.

May no longer pay the bar tab with poisoned sharp-pointy anything to the gut.

May no longer pay the bar tab with anything sharp and pointy, even if it isn't poisoned.

The cleric healing the bartender's wounds also doesn't count for paying the bar tab.

No one in the TL3 game has a l33t magic sword of pwnage, and stop talking like that!

No matter how dire the situation, I will not download the killbot's program into the microwave in an attempt to use it as a maser.

I am not now, never have been, never will be Neo, Li Mu Bai, Wolverine or anyone else like that. So I should stop trying.

I will not link absorption to shrinking ever again.

Seeing something done on TV doesn't mean I can do it, especially if I was watching cartoons.

I will not mind control the Silent Strider into performing "I'm a little teapot" ever again.

Even if he did deserve it.

Progress Quest is not a real game, and I will not get attached to any character from it.

Lighting the van on fire is not a good plan, even if it did cause what you wanted to happen.

Setting fire to anything not expressly designed to be set fire to is forbidden.

No, you do not burn a wood elemental to make it a fire elemental.

People, and especially party members, are not expressly designed to be set fire to.

Never allowed to take pyromania again.

Not allowed to talk about the sword you lost in the bar fight; yes, the one that broke all the rules of item creation; even if it is the one that the GM gave you in the first place.

No longer allowed to make a character whose backstory is more detailed than the GM's campaign backstory.

Not allowed to use 'Old Jeb', nor any ideas based off of Old Jeb (see rule 487).

No longer allowed to build a campaign around turning a computer on.

No starting intra-party firefights in the back of the getaway van.

12.7mm High Explosive Armor Piercing ammo is NOT the future of diplomacy.

Not allowed to stay and talk to the lich I just accidentally freed from centuries spent in an extra-planar prison. Especially if he's talking to himself about the destruction he will unleash on the general population.

Must not use flesh to stone spell to fireproof self and proceed to coat self with lamp oil and run through the campfire and into the hills.

"...or whatever you want" is not allowed in the phrasing of wishes to Djinn.

Just because a character is immune to poison, that character does not require being addicted to belladonna.

Rendering a character so insane that he is unusable in the first hour of a CoC game is not a goal.

The words "Mutant Cat", "Death Knight", and/or "Plasma Cannon x2" do not belong on any future Rifts character sheets.

In the Original Traveler game my goal is not to kill off my own character during creation for several hours.

Kender speaking Klingon, BAD.

Not permitted to pace high explosives with a 10-sec fuse in the corridor outside the armory of the ship we are trying to escape, before we figure out how to get off the ship.

When GMing Twilight 2000 or any other modern military game, I must not automatically assume that the player has the same military knowledge as the character. Specifically, that the navy officer's player knows that there is a difference between a Corvette and a corvette, so that she won't ask why the plan calls for a mortar strike on a sports car...

Using cobra poison is not proper business method.

Not allowed to let the mentally-challenged, stuttering Paladin negotiate with the dragon for the Gem of Despair.

Especially when I'm the Paladin.

Not allowed to encourage the Gun Droid to develop a Berserk disadvantage.

Not allowed to store dead "Chestbursters" in the toolbox droid.

Don't store live ones in there either.

No longer allowed to launch a "Hello Kitty" lunchbox through a mass driver.

Grays don't understand what the middle finger salute is.

Don't joke about Grays and butt probes. You'll only encourage them.

When finding a mainframe computer with a TL at least 2 above yours, don't plug in the toolbox droid and expect it to "Translate the Blue Buttons."

Do not argue with the captain of your starship. Doubly when he's a large bronze dragon capable of palming your head in one paw.

Elves and halflings cannot breed. There are no elflings. No dwarflings, either.

Don't even think about orclings.

I do not have a pair of trained attack ferrets.

My time-traveling/universe hopping device cannot be used to bring the Beatles into the world of Greyhawk so they can play "Your Mother Should Know" at my character's wedding.

There is no alchemical potion that will cause a vampire's fangs to turn purple and fuzzy.

Not allowed to bring the D&D party to Xanth ever again.

"Crack whor*" is not an acceptable character class. It is certainly not a variation of cleric.

There is no such thing as a Potion of Indivisibility, and it won't keep me from being sliced to pieces by orcs.

My quickling character cannot create sonic booms & shatter eardrums.

Not allowed to have any more quickling PCs.

That goes double for dwarfs and giants mating.

And NOTHING crossbreeds with pixies; especially giants.

Two half-elves mating does not generate a quarter-elf. And no, two quarter-elves do not breed and make a 32nd-elf.

Not allowed to take 4 hours to make a mage character after the game has started.

Not allowed to change my mind in the middle and start making a minotaur fighter.

Especially if I don't tell the GM I'm changing.

Not allowed to get mad at the party when they think my minotaur barbarian fighter, being pursued by an orc war party, is actually leader of said war party and they put me down like a rabid dog.

Not allowed to make minotaurs ever again.

Even if the druid is a woodling, she cannot take tumbleweed as an alternate form. (See # 252)

Not allowed to have the Lillend sing the opening theme to Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex Second Gig as a song for inspiring courage, even if it is eerily fitting.

Not allowed to make a character that will have 30 strength by the time they're level 13 using Savage Species progressions and wield a large greatsword as an ancestral relic with a huge greatclub as a backup weapon just because she has monkey grip and can easily afford the -2 to the attack roll ever again.

Not allowed to make a Lythari Psion with Vow of Poverty who gains the Saint template ever again.

No, the Woodling cannot cast Shillelagh on her arm even though her natural slam attack does do the same damage as a club wielded by someone of her size category.

A half-dragon monk with Aberrant blood, improved grapple, and the half-giant base race is a grappling machine. This does not automatically mean she can take out a professional wrestler at level 2.

Not allowed to ask the drow whether he has a panther or just likes having two scimitars.

The Book of Vile Darkness is not acceptable reading material for a paladin of Tyr.

Nor is it acceptable reading material for a cleric of Lathander.

The Cyrinnishad is not a toy and disguising it as the Book of Exalted Deeds is a BAD IDEA.

Just because level 8 Initiates are required to create a cyberzombie doesn't mean there's a few of them hanging around nearby as backup.

Just because the cyberzombie CAN carry and fire two LMGs with no recoil penalties doesn't mean he HAS to.

The cyberzombie cannot be given adept powers, even if wallrunning is "really damn cool".

Never allowed to ever whisper the word "cyberzombie" EVER again within earshot of my Shadowrun players.

"Crunch all you want, we'll make more" is not the Hive Tyrant's battle cry.

Ask my IC significant other when pregnant, "So, are we eating them or keeping them?"

Cast Command on the evil cleric who has kidnapped me, then force him to fetch me a shrubbery.

Greatsword sledding is not (and never will be!) a professional sport.

Just because the Kim Possible theme song tends to demonically play on repeat in my head after watching it with childthings does not mean my half-succubus vile cleric can use it as an incantation.

Touch of Juiblex is not an acceptable method of body disposal. Especially not when it's a member of your own party.

Cannot lie to GM when he asks if his juice tastes like it has alcohol in it.

Cannot keep spiking the GMs orange juice with vodka until he throws up.

I can't play a lecherous Paladin who follows party members to the brothel to watch.

I cannot refer to the GM as an evil sad*st anymore, or ES or various combinations thereof.

Must not turn Traveller sessions into accounting sessions.

Going into a fetal position, sucking my thumb and calling for my momma is not the way to impress the king.

Cannot jump off tall buildings with the party grabbing hold if I do not have the flight spell.

Must remember, pillage before burn.

Cannot call in bomb threats to the Imperial Marine barracks.

Nor pick a fight with them.

Cannot fire Meson guns to clear corridors of the ship I am on.

Cannot sell the Paladin's warhorse without his permission. Even for a bag of magic beans.

Not allowed to play "Provoke the Paladin". Especially with corpses. And certainly not with ventriloquism. Again. Ahem.

Must not eat souls. Yeah, really.

Must not contradict the leader when he's bluffing.

Not allowed to shoot the radio in a taxi filled with 4 vampires and an Arab driver in NYC, even if you've been in torpor for 150 years and don't know what's going on.

Not allowed to shoot out the backdoor of the Succubus (or any cliché) Club, just because the line is too long.

Not allowed to "Go looking for trouble" in Harlem when your character is a pasty white computer nerd, even though your buddy is an Arms Dealer and you're both Brujah.

Not allowed to trick the Barbarian by playing off his violent side just to send him to his death. . . . When playing a good cleric.

Not allowed to kick back and smoke a joint while the Dragon terrorizes the city with the excuse "The others are doing just fine."

Not allowed to use a loophole to beat a greater demon/lesser deity just to take their plane from them.

Never, ever, ever allowed to repeat the goblin-boy story to any new players whom we'd like to see again.

Taunt the twinked soldier when the only weapon you have is ceremonial.

Cannot hire 999 Guardsmen and a Commisar for 'morale' and then tell them to charge at the tarrasque.

Cannot shoot NPC's with paintballs to improve their morale. Or with bullets. Or missiles.

Cannot play a tentacled horror that was a born-again Christian in CoC.

Cannot attack C-SWAT in front of the police station.

I am not allowed to shout "charge" when I *know* the mage is casting Wall of Stone just because I think it's funny.

Cannot offer Jabba the Hutt diet pills.

I am not allowed to attempt to open doors using a satchel of plastic explosives and no demolitions skill.

Steal shiny things from celestial lions.

Bribe the God of Failed Safety Inspections for office furniture.

Buy a company of mercenaries with the departmental budget... even if it consists of a solitary peanut.

Be the droids you were looking for.

Floor circle-mates as a form of friendly greeting.

Use 'find the solution' charms in Shadowlands.

Eat small emerald pattern spiders.

Let other Exalts end circle-caused fights in pirate bars.

Hug spiky ghosts.

Tie the enemy's shoelaces together. ...even if they believe they are superior to you.

Fight dead miners' union leaders.

Spread descriptions of our superiors across the Underworld.

Tell the enemy our secret plan for thwarting their next move... even if they ask nicely.

Go to Hell just because we were in the Underworld.

Splice any bobstays.

Avast any mainbraces.

Play critics... even if they've previously judged the target unworthy.


Name the constellations of the Underworld.

Release control art restriction.

Communicate solely through charades.

Communicate solely through memoranda.

Fly through heavenly gates at above the speed of sound.

Fly through gate 14 at speeds less than or equal to that of sound.

Use the ricochet technique with a catapult and a mouse.

Impersonate a sneaking, hidden talking rock outside Fate.

Put a dog in their pockets.

Ask questions about questions.

Ask "What just happened?" after the party's bluffs.

Become a cheesy stereotype.


Leave obvious corpses.

Ignore narrative imperative.

Evacuate any Solars.

Leave the quest target behind because she's sarcastic.

Request permission to keep Lunars... even if said Lunars followed them home.

Have unfinished business with inanimate objects.

Plug security breaches by writing a report.

Demand tips from Abyssals.

Deliver the wrong pizza to Abyssals.

Deliver the correct pizza to Abyssals.

Illume cities.

Invent silly words.

Blatantly tell the truth to anyone more powerful than them.

Fight Abyssals sitting down.

Make lists of things more unworthy than failing to tip the pizza delivery boy.

Use tent-related martial arts.

Pocket a warstrider.

Invite Lunars back to Yu-Shan for a meal.

Break the air speed record on the way in to Yu-Shan.

Ponder what I'm pondering.

Ice skate around the ceiling.

Shoot Time's yellow van with a LAW.

Go at Mach 3 close to the ground in Heaven.

Yoink dramatic imperative.

Put elder Sidereals on sticks.

Yoink the Pattern.

Create small jumpers from Fate.

Unleash unholy repeating maggot throwers in crowded galleys.

Use illusionary weaponry. Or make-believe weapons.

Play pattern spiders, even if they're critics.

Flirt with doors or the God of Exaltations.

Exhibit unnecessary schizophrenia.

Argue with geometry.

Sit in the middle of the room... even if it is later defined as a corner.

Be citrus fruit.

Be lawyers, or use lawyer-speak in their audit debriefings.

Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow... or redirect secondary power through the flux capacitor.

Use the Arrows of Destiny in any way whatsoever.

Refer to the McGuffin as the Arrows of Destiny.

Refer to the Arrows of Destiny.

Load themselves into catapults.

Summon Deathlords.

Impersonate geology.

Refer to items of clothing as "the cloaking device".

Park airships in Golden Gate Park.

Pay gods in custard... or rice pudding... even if the brand is Ambrosia.

Use 20th-century battleships to cloak their soulsteel flying devices.

Ask to see an Earth elemental's rocks.

Leave no stones unturned.

Be higher than the clouds (either meaning).

Break the light barrier, either.

I will not, if playing a Middle-Eastern/Indian type character, propose to the female characters that they'd live a life of comfort and ease if they join my harem.

Not allowed to punch bound prisoners, even if said prisoner was part of a gang who killed the hostage we were paid to rescue. That goes double for eating them.

Not allowed to summon a monster and order it to hit the prisoner.

Not allowed to coax the resident mage into casting Suggestion to make the prisoner crack his own nuts.

Not allowed to encourage the city guard to rough up the prisoners.

Not allowed to ask the noble patron to rack the prisoners to death, burn them at the stake, or otherwise torture them to death as your boon.

I must at least try to create a character that will last more than one gaming session.

If my character lasts more than one gaming session, I'm not allowed to create a spell/item that I can't undo myself if it has a permanent effect.

I'm not allowed to charm other PCs if I have the flaw "incurable genital disease".

I'm not allowed to pretend I've been possessed by a demon.

I'm not allowed to ask the first demon I meet to possess me in order to get around the rule above.

My first name is not "Hit me".

I'm not allowed to show anyone the photograph of the Half-Giant in a nappy.

I can't drum with my spoons.

Drumming is not a special form of martial arts.

Yelling "I'm just the cook" will get me killed several times by the other players who'll even gang up with the arch-enemy just to slaughter me - even if it is true.

I'm not allowed to use boiling water as a contraceptive, even if that's what they used to do in Ancient China/Japan.

I am not allowed to sleep defensively, no matter how high my Concentration bonus is.

Civil disobedience is an inappropriate response to the opening adventure hook.

The correct action is "I cast Featherfall." The incorrect action is "I attempt to land so that the elf breaks my fall."

The phrase "I don't have to outrun the pack of wolves, I just have to outrun you" is an inappropriate use of the surprise round.

Attempting to impersonate the captain of the guard is not effective against the captain of the guard.

Vampires are not required to "make their foreheads bumpy" before attacking.

I am not allowed to join the alienist cult.

If I have a question for the party member attempting a Move Silently check, it can wait.

When scoring a Coup de Grace against a goblin with his own weapon, telling him "Stop hitting yourself" is unnecessary.

Cannot parley with Cthugha.

Nor use seduction skill on Cthugha.

Cannot light the forest on fire as a response to being attacked by people who are angry at you for trespassing on the forest.

Ismiteyoumuthafugga is not a valid name for a paladin.

You cannot be Good and the cleric of a god who says "If demanding human sacrifice is wrong, I don't want to be right."

It is not the solemn duty of all CHA-based casters to seduce those of the opposite alignment regardless of species, gender, or subtype.

Offer party members to dragon in trade for the tablets that I want.

Causing global thermonuclear war cannot be my goal.

Cannot send the party funds to Nigerian scammers. Nor to other scammers. Even if they are really convincing and seem trustworthy.

Cannot give quicklings sugar, haste potions, or speed.

Absolutely cannot throw .50 caliber slugs into the campfire to wake up the next watch.

Must never bluff omnipotent or omniscient beings anymore.

Cannot be a cleric of self, me, I, myself, Bob, or any combination or variant of that.

Forbidden to borrow money from a PC, then retire my character.

Cannot make random mushroom stew anymore.

Must not keep gas spores as a pet.

Banned from telling anger management/issues jokes about the barbarian.

Cannot play a half-flumph.

Must not blindly believe to the high level Ultra Crazy.

Cannot play the dare game with the high-level Ultra Crazy and play to win.

Cannot give Scooby snacks to any Vargr subsector leader or do any Scooby-Doo impersonations. Rwow kay. Bang!

Still can't get XP for immobile gazebos.

Cannot build any anatomically correct pseudo-biological battlesuits. Especially if they look like the pilot, Hello Kitty, or famous p*rn stars.

Forbidden from cloning any alien, elder god, or evil deity. That goes double for genetically engineering their DNA, using create undead spells on them, or pranks.

Must not ship anatomically correct inflatable sheep to Vulcan.

Cannot name character 'Urine, Urine Nation.' Or any variant thereof. Nor tell the other PC's to piss off if they can't take a joke, nor tell them I'm yella, or say let's shake on it and do something else. Unless in FATAL of course.

Shoggoths do not wear aloha shirts, nor do they want one.

Cannot act more insane than the San 0 Cultists. Even though it's not an act.

Must never convince all the players to model their characters after the Pirates of Penzance in a Traveller campaign. And never, ever break into a song in midgame.

Cannot make a Capital One barbarian in a 21st-century campaign.

Cannot make a character that is a combination of FATAL, Wrathulhu, and Pokethulhu. Go petal tentacle thingie go! Must collect them... Blam!

Still can't play a Mark VI cybertank. Sigh.

Barney. Blam!

If a PC is turned into a cow I still can't milk them without their permission.

Can't let the doctor bet in the low lottery.

Teaaammm Jonaaah go! Not in Traveller. Damn.

Cannot bait the GM anymore.

It couldn't get any worse. Blam!

The fighter should loot bodies AFTER killing them. Ohhhhh.

Cannot call GM, MF.

Banned from trying to out-crazy the Ultra Crazy.

Must not use allegorical insults on refs with bad tempers.

Cannot use Purina Puppy Chow as werewolf bait even though your puppy loves it.

Must let the party know where you put the minefield. "Guess" is not an answer. "Surprise" is right out.

Absolutely never, under any circ*mstance, allowed to call for "Close artillery support".

This goes double for Exalted-style "Fire-from-Heaven" artillery.

Cannot taunt "lesser mortals" in Exalted.

Not even if they are.

Especially not if they're Dragonblooded or other non-Celestial essence manipulators.

"Repeating Crossbow" is not a proper specialty in a Bronze Age game.

Neither is Greatsword or M16A2.

There is no non-magical AD&D 2nd Ed. Stone Age weapon that does a base damage of "12." It's a misprint, the Neanderthals aren't the secret Master Race.

"These books?" is not a proper response to "What's flammable?" when standing in any ancient library, much less the Library of Alexandria.

Play a Half-Shogoth.

Cannot sell the aircraft carrier Nimitz... again.

Cannot use the Nimitz to go for joyrides.

Cannot use the Nimitz to ram stuff just to see them sink.

Thou shalt not talk the party into playing four druids in 3.5.

Not allowed to boobytrap my own gun and then throw it to another player when they run out of ammo.

Not allowed to ignore the GM when he shoots down my contributions to the game and act as if I did that anyway.

Musn't try and hide the diamond necklace OUTSIDE of my hat.

No longer allowed use a glass pickle jar as a hat.

If the hat has been stolen by the bad guys, I must not send them the diamond necklace in an envelope with instructions to hide it in the hat.

Do not hit on the demon king's daughter when we attack him in his own Hell.

Do not hit on the demon king's personal servants when we attack him.

Do not do anything else when the party is attacking the demon king.

Do help the party attack the demon king before they are completely slaughtered.

Cannot hit on the dragon.

Must not hit on the mule.

Absolutely cannot hit on the paladin's warhorse.

Can never use a flammenwerfer in a battle zeppelin again.

When carving messages on artillery shells, I cannot use runes and a big chisel.

Must leave cities standing after shore leave.

Not allowed to play catch with antimatter shells.

Cannot use strategic nuclear warheads as anti-personnel landmines.

Banned from making 20-gigaton bombs.

Banned from using 20-gigaton bombs as well.

Oh, and cannot use tac nukes to make pretty pictures that can be seen from space.

Cannot distill or bioengineer dirty socks into a biohazard/chemical warfare agent outside of IOU.

Cannot sell Warbot plans on eBay for a "quick buck".

Cannot serve green slime as dessert.

Cannot eat everything that I kill.

Not allowed to take FGMPs (Fusion Gun, Man Portable) on shore leave.

Must not commission 1.12 million action figures of self using group funds.

Never, under any circ*mstance, help the cook again.

On a related note, "More salt will fix it" is not a truism.

Emailing "Bomb president terror anarchism weapon smuggle" to myself, just to piss off NSA listeners, is prohibited.

Especially when playing an NSA agent.

Assault Shotguns are not hostage situation-appropriate weapons.

Laptops and lapdances are incompatible.

"Liquid" does not necessarily mean "fire-dampening".

DON'T switch pills between glasses at the local apothecary.

Cell phones =/= secure communication.

You don't say "In Nomine Patri" just before killing somebody if you're on the Devil's side.

I shall keep my Spoiler Junky habit to myself, and not ruin the module for others.

Instead of just saying something is cool, I will do something cool instead!

Just because the GM says "Well, now you know better" does not mean I have earned any XP.

When the party leader says "Don't telegraph our attack," I should not take it to indicate I should instead phone the opposition to explain our tactics.

Not allowed to attempt genetic manipulation in any circ*mstance.

Especially not with PCs.

Especially, especially not in a Bronze Age game.

"Annoyance Factor" is not a biddable attribute in Amber, even if the whole group agrees that I clearly have first rank.

Not allowed to blow the entire "emergency supplies" budget on parachutes, especially in a game set on a sailing ship.

Never pet the dragon.

Will not make the hand gesture and Shick-SHACK noise of a pump shotgun action before every potential fight. Especially when my PC is carrying a sword.

I will not roll to hide, on open plains, at the engagement point of a battle with a giant.

I will not roll to hide after shooting said giant, without reason for him to lose track of me, after being told "nah".

I will not reset my amount of available spells whenever I feel like it, or alter the amount of spells I can cast.

I will actually read the books that depict and detail the rules set for my particular character, rather than assume I'm always right.

Elves are not "the other white meat".

Nor are they "Santa's little helpers".

Or "Satan's little helpers", for that matter.

My alchemist cannot create dietary supplements before the discovery of vitamins.

Using "Fnord" as the password only works in I.O.U.

May not be a paladin of The Lady of Pain.

It's The Lady of Pain, not the Lady of Spain. Even if I have an accordion.

Bards do not have accordions.

PCs may not give pouches made from enemy scrotums as gifts.

Keep a running total of how many Commandments/tenets of the Litany/moral 'laws' left to break.

Causing stress checks on your own character is not a legitimate way to "toughen them up".

May not accept mercenary contracts from our blood enemies.

Tickling the dragon with a plain feather in the surprise round is not an option.

Must never, ever tag the Mark VI cybertank with anti-AI graffiti.

Getting lots and lots of tentacles cannot be my character's goal.

That goes double for eyes.

My alchemist may never, ever, screw around with pitchblende.

"Wall of Jell-O" is not, and has never been, an appropriate spell to take.

Mr. Welch should not repeat himself or speak in terms that are at all redundant, duplicated, or a reiteration of previous statements.

Mastering levels in bureaucracy will never, ever, allow you to force enemies to fill out a 1011-BZ form every time they wish to strike at you.

Banned from firing Saturation Nuclear Clusters at waiters who are rude to me.

...something to do with eating fellow PC's alive. Oh yeah, don't do it.

Cannot leave the dungeon without the party even if I'm full.

Must never burn down every abandoned or creepy mansion before exploring it.

Cannot shake and bake rats.

Can never worship at every altar we pass.

Taking a rat familiar during the era of the Black Death is right out.

So not name anyone or anything Hastur.

May not use more nitroglycerine than I can carry.

By popular demand, I will not transport nitroglycerine without shock absorbers.

Must never use transport aircraft to drop Cyb

750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG: (2024)
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